Thank You Mom!

I never realise how difficult it is to be a mother until I become one. All those sleepless nights are killing me. Suddenly, my life changed 360 degrees and I almost could not take it. I cried many times and had all the symptoms of post-partum depression.

My Mum was there to support and encourage me all the time, throughout my pregnancy till now. There were times were during midnight, I slept like a pig, couldn't hear the babies crying as I really beh tahan and was too tired. But she was there to feed and burp the babies. The confinement lady that I hired really useless. Sleep and snore like a pig. Sometimes I shout loud loud also she cannot hear... I have to shake her to wake her up. NIAMAH CCB!! I hired her to sleep more than me and my mum!

Now I really heartache to see my Mum looking so tired each day and yet, she can still do all the house work and take care of babies. I feel so sorry and really don't know how to repay her. I told her how sorry I felt and all she says was she enjoy doing all these.

Today, I was at the padeatrician clinic and I was talking to another woman, whose mother also quit her job just to help her daughter with her newborn. She told us that taking care of 1 baby is already very tiring, she can't imagine taking care of 2 babies.

I really appreciate what my Mum is doing and really don't know how to repay her.

I Love You, MUMMY!

My High Risk Pregnancy

I don't intend to blog about my pregnancy but I just felt extremely sad today. I went for my gynae visit, it was my second gynae. I am carrying twins, but they are monoamniotic twins. Which means, both babies in the same amniotic sac, making it super high risk and very low chances of survival. Am not sure if I want to get a third opinion from another doctor.



Sometimes, I don't understand why God gave us this beautiful gift but then it comes with so many problems. There is nothing I can do about this than to pray and be prepared for the worse.

人生如梦

I just sent Mum & Dad to airport and on the way back, I was thinking about life. It's just like a dream. I remember the day Mum & Dad arrived in Shanghai, it was a Sunday morning. It was Mother's Day in fact. I bought them around the area near my apartment and thought them how to take the subway. Now, they are heading back to KL again. It was just like a blink of an eye. I traveled back to Shanghai from the airport with a heavy heart.

This is life... full of departures. I get the same feeling each time I head back to Shanghai from home, and I guess Mum & Dad felt the same too. I came back to an empty home again, and did some cleaning. No more home cooked food awaiting me when I get back from work tomorrow. My life has been adjusted back to normal again, and for the past 3 weeks, it was just like a dream.

Feeling down and I need a break!!!

So many things happened lately and so many uncertainties in life! 2009 is not treating me very well. I need a break!

Mum is arriving in Shanghai on Wednesday. I have planned for a Hangzhou getaway and Xi'An trip with her. I needed the break as well. I can't wait to have a getaway, it has been really, really long since I had a holiday (apart from CNY break'coz that doesn't count.) Am also planning for a HK trip with Nicole during May labor day break to get my mind off missing my hubby.

Hubby has been away and I have been feeling so down lately. Guess I'm not used to being so far away from him after being together for so long. We have been together for 10 years! It's so difficult to be apart like this that I cried so many nights. It's tough... I tried to be strong but sometimes emotions took me over and I just break down and cry. :(

I will be alright. I will try my best to stay strong and be happy. Try, try, try!

Alone Again

Hubby came back a week ago and now he is gone again. He left for London and he will be away for 1 month. I feel so empty without him. It's a pity that I could not go with him this round as he will be staying at a serviced apartment near Tower Bridge. 

I woke up early this morning and bid my Hubby goodbye. Went for a massage and facial, came home, clean the house and threw away all the unwanted magazines. The satellite TV console is down, so I have no international channel but chinese programs now. So sad. 

My Mum will be down in Shanghai and time will pass by pretty quick for me. I dread the coming months where he will be away for 2 months in the states after this London trip.

I hope this will be a quick week for me. Hoping to see Mum and cousin sis Rachel in Shanghai soon. 

My Secret Diary

I have never posted anything sad in this blog. Instead, I have another hidden online diary which was never revealed to anyone, except for another blogger friend, who commented that what she read there was very revealing. Yes indeed… that secret diary stores my deepest, darkest private life and I only blog in there when I feel low and down.

Last night, I wrote something in there again, and that was the first post in 1 ½ years. I have not touched that blog for 1 ½ years. That shows how happy I was in the past 1 ½ years and 2008 was one of my happiest years.

2009 is full uncertainties for me. I will be losing everything that I have built up in the past 3 years in Shanghai. Everything seems to go back to square one for me… just thinking about this fact breaks my heart.

I guess I need to count my blessing instead of thinking about all bad things to come. 2009 has been tough for everyone given the current economic situation and I know a lot of people have lost their jobs. This is far worse than what I am going through now. I keep reminding myself of this fact that I still have so much to give and take, but sometimes, I just can’t help feeling down and low.

I hope God will give me the strength to be strong and to stay strong for the people I love. I pray that God will help me maintain the happiness that I have enjoyed, the money that I am earning so that I can continue keeping my family happy and less pressured.

To my dear friend Lydia… thank you so much for being there to listen to all my shits despite yourself being in a much worse situation than me. I think you are the first blessing that God has given me the minute I pen this post. I hope everything work out fine for you too and may God bless you!

Lonely...

I am feeling so lonely. Hubby is in SG now and he will be there for a few months. It will be a travelling first half of the year for him, which means I am on my own most of the time.

For the past few weeks, Hubby has been home all the time and he even cooked for me a couple of times. I guessed I got used to having him around all the time and now I feel a part of me missing. I just have to get used to being alone again. :(

Thank God I will be flying home on Saturday. Can't wait to meet my family and friends again. Also, can't wait to meet hokkien mee and chilli pan mee and gobble them up! Muahahaah!

Happy Birthday Dad!

This is the third year I am not at home celebrating Dad's birthday. Every year when I return home, I see Dad with more and more grey hair. It's heart breaking. I feel so sorry that I am not able to be beside Dad each day as he grows old.

I still remember when I was young, Dad brought me for a morning walk early in the morning with our dog, Don. We reached the end of a cliff and there was a pond below the cliff. I threw stones into the water and Dad told me not too. I asked why and Dad told me a story that a dragon might be living in there. I now know that it's not true but at that time, it was really an enjoyable story for me and sometimes I wish I can re-live that moment again.

I also remember during primary 1, I attended a bon fire at school. When we wanted to leave, the car could not start. Dad has to push the car to jumpstart it and he did it all alone. I could still remember Dad's face at that time. He still smiled while struggling to push the car all by himself. My hear ached now when I think why Dad has to do this alone and no one helped him that time. I would if I could... but I was too little that time.

The happiest moment was when we were staying in Seremban. I remember I used to follow Dad on weekend fishing trips and he would drive us into the rubber estate to look for worms as fish bait. Those were the times and all the sweet memories. I missed those times.

I also remember a few years back, I received a call from Brother at midnight, telling me that Dad passed out. Brother was crying over the phone and I knew that his heart must have ached seeing Dad in that condition. I rushed to hospital. This is also a time that I regretted not being there to hold Dad when it happened.

I remember how Dad sometimes used to panic over some matters that happened at home and made a lot of wrong decision at times, but no matter how many wrong decisions he has made, he is still my hero. I know I may have said many things that hurt him before but I never meant to do so. I hate those people who likes to bully my Dad and take advantage of him because he is too kind. But Dad always says let it be as they will face the punishment of their own someday.

Each time I return home for a visit, Dad would go here and there to buy the food that I like to eat. I remember there was once where I threw a huge tantrum at him and then I cried over it. I was in depression at that time and I needed help. But I know being depressed doesn't give me a reason or rights to scold Dad. Dad did nothing wrong...Dad just kept quiet... I am truly sorry, Dad. I was very wrong.

I seldom call home and even when Mum called, I did not talk to Dad. I am just not used to calling home all the time and I really do not know what to talk if I call home. I always chat with Brother and through him, I knew everything that happened at home. Thats why I do not ask or talk a lot when Mum calls. I cannot break this habit of not calling home. I am sorry. But I know Dad will understand my character and I know that he will not love me less for not calling home.

I know Dad always wanted the best for me and Brother. The best decision I made was to take up ACCA which did not cost him a lot of money. I remember how happy he was were when I shouted in joy that I passed ACCA!

Dad, each time I leave KL, I dare not hug or kiss you in KLIA. I know I will cry if I do that because I feel that I am not being there enough for you. I leave with regrets and a heavy heart each time. I would stay home and take care of you and Mum if I have the choice, but I need to go back to where my Husband is and to make more money so that you and Mum will have a better life in KL.

Dad, the thing that I worried most is your health and your safety. I worried about you each time you are driving on the road. I dare not take another news from home like a year ago where you met with an accident, that is my worst nightmare. Please do me one little favor... drive slowly and safely... do not speed like you used to.

Time flies... I miss you a lot and cried when I think of you and wonder what you are doing back at home. I guess you must be relaxing on the sofa I gave you and watching TV.

Dad, you are 61 years old this year. I wish you Happiness, Good Health and Safety. I will buy you a very big meal on my next trip home.

I Love You, Daddy!!!

Cold and Lonely

Winter is approaching again. Dear Hubby is travelling again... extensively. I am back to where I first begun my journey in Shanghai, cold and lonely. :(

I miss my Hubby... he just left for a 2 weeks assignment in Singapore, and flying to London after that. Each day I will be home alone in the cold, cold room. I miss having him around. It has been sometime since he last travelled. I have gotten used to having him around everyday and watching TV with him.

I miss my Hubby...

Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's day. I send my love to Dad, I really love Dad very much.

At the same time, I also feel sad for 2 reasons:
First, my Shanghai good friend's Dad is diagnosed with last stage of colon cancer and is now in hospital.
Second, my KL good friend's Dad met with a horrible accident and he is still in hospital. Both of the Dads are in a bad condition.

I know the feeling of a daugther who loves her father very much, if such unfortunate thing happen, I can feel how my friends are feeling right now. I really hope their Dad get well soon.

I pray that my Dad will have good health always.

I LOVE YOU, DAD!!!

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November 10

Saturday, November 10th 2007.

Many people talked and blogged about 'Bersih' on this day. To me, it was more than 'Bersih'. It was a truly more meaningful day to me, because....

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It was my Father's 60th birthday!!!!

My brother sent me some pics and tears filled my eyes. I wasn't there to celebrate with my Daddy. I miss my Mum and Dad. Being abroad really made me realised how important my family is to me.

I am glad my brother brought my Dad to Teluk Gong for seafood. They went there with our relatives and they all had a great time.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY!

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Emotional

Today, my Dear Brother ping me on MSN and asked the same question that he has been asking me since the beginning of the year; Should he resign?

Again, I told him; if you are not happy now, just resign la! Then he say this and that, worry that he will regret la, but he has no passion anymore in this job, repetitive work la, regret studying engineering la, wanna rest la blah, blah, etc...and many other things.

I really beh tahan liao. I scolded him kau-kau online. I told him that he is so lucky and still wanna complain so many things in life. I counted his blessings for him, I told him:

1. Your sister, me, didn't wanna spend my parents money for studying. So I just took ACCA. Only cost like RM10k for the entire course. You, on the other hand, decided to take engineering. Spent almost RM50k to study at Monash University. Lucky or not? Still wanna complain about regretting to study engineering?


2. You don't have to pay for any commitments at home. I still need pay for the house.


3. You drive a Toyota Altis. Not long after graduate, can drive Altis... and don't have to pay a single cent for the car. I gave you the car, and I pay for the installment. You are so lucky, ok!
   

I also told him:

1. Take a good look at our cousin, Yen. She is the person that I will award her BRAVO award. After her father got into a stroke, she is the only one in her family that struggled and worked hard to earn a living for the family. Can she say she wanna rest? No. She doesn't have the choice.


2. Yen worked in a company where her boss always gave her a hard time. Can she resign? No. she don't have the choice. She needed the money for her family.


3. Your brother in law, my husband. For the past 4-5 weeks have been working till like 3am everyday. Did he complain? No. He doesn't have the choice. It's his job!


4. You are very lucky ok! You still have the choice to think whether to resign or not. Other people don't have the choice. You can resign without a job... then do it lar! Look for another job. Stop complaining!
   

SIGH! I love my Dear Brother very much. During our younger times, I used to wait for him to return from school and I will cook for him. My parents were working elsewhere and would only return home in the late evening. I basically took care of him when he was young.

I also want him to be happy and have a good life. But I can't stand this... sometimes I wish he could see that he is one of the luckiest people on earth. Everyone has ups and downs. Everyone has regrets. Everyone has achievements. Everyone has dreams. He just doesn't see how lucky he is. Or maybe he is too young to realize that.

Despite everything I wrote above, my Dear Brother is still a very good person with a very kind heart. I know him. He just needed some directions now. I already told him what I needed him to know, and I truly hope he gets it.

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I Miss Shanghai

I know I'm having lotsa fun back home. Good meal, able to see my parents, my brother, my cousins, my friends, etc. But there is somehow a miserable feeling inside me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I miss SH. I miss my Hubby. I wanna return to SH, be by his side, watch DVD with him and cook for him. Not sure why this feeling struck me so deeply today.
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Breach of Trust

Can’t understand why some people can’t think straight? Do you just conveniently blurt out your best friend’s secret to some other people… and then apologize and says that you didn’t do it on purpose??? What the fuck are you thinking??? Not to mention that it was a very sensitive and private matter.


Though it didn’t happen to me, but I felt the hurt and anger inside me coz I was indirectly a victim. I felt shocked and hurt. How can someone be so immature?? For me, if possible, I wouldn’t want to speak to that person again. We can still be friends… but only on the surface. There can never be a friendship between us again. I can never trust someone like that. Period.

A Sad Day

This morning, I received MSN messages from friends telling me about an ex-colleague's demise from this world. It was a freak accident. I immediately went into thestar.com and found the news. Though I am not close to this ex-colleague of mine, I feel sad, for he left behind a wife and 3 kids. No one will ever know what happened behind the wheels that causes this tragic demise.

Next, I read about Zewt's mom. Tears filled my eyes reading his post. I pray for Zewt and his family. Though I have not met Zewt in person, but he is still my friend. I cannot imagine this day if it ever happens to me. But it will happen... it happens to everyone. Some day, people whom we love will eventually leave us. But I guess life goes on. All I can say now is not to take anyone in our lives for granted.
It's a sad day...

Perseverance and The Land Before Time

Perseverance, is a matter of holding on and never let go during trying times. I Love this word.


The Land Before Time - This 1988 original animation is my favourite cartoon of all times (please don't mistaken this to all the other terrible sequels). It is about four orphan dinasours travelling the ruins of their world, while grieving the loss of their families and banding together to face the odds of the world. They encounter many obstancles as they learn to work together in order to survive. I cried from beginning till the end. It was a truly emotional movie that thought us about perseverance, about teamwork and most importantly, about holding on to our dreams and never let go.

I was watching American Idol last night and one of the contestant sang the theme song from the The Land Before Time. This song is called If We Hold On Together, by Diana Ross. Being an emotional person as I am, I cried when I heard that song. It brings back memory of that movie, the hardship, the loneliness, the obstabcles, the betrayal that Littlefoot went through to find his dreams. (Littlefoot is the main dinasour character in The Land Before Time). I cannot forget how Littlefoot's Mum lost her life to protect her son. But Littlefoot's perserverance brought him to realise his dreams in the end. I am glad that it's a happy ending.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~ Author Unknown

Anyway, here a little clip of the theme song, for those who have not heard of it. It's a truly meaningful song.

If We Hold On Together
Diana Ross

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

* Chorus:

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Worlds are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let them come home to stay

* Repeat Chorus

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts
Everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high, As souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Emotional Reminiscence #1

Warning: Private & Emotional stuffs involved


I am not supposed to write about this. I really don't wanna blog about stuffs which are of emotional essence in Purple-Mushroom, but I just feel the need to shout it all out today. These moods struck me sometimes. And it just did today. It all started with me searching through Friendster as I was pretty bored at work today (well, I am very much bored each and every day though!) . I didn't managed to find any close friends, but just came across some of my secondary school mates. Ha! It was pretty funny to see people whom you used to hang out with long time ago and have sinced drifted really-really far apart after high school graduation. Then, I came across someone... a person so, so, so close in my heart. My Dear 'Lil Brother's profile.

I went through his profile, pictures, friends, comments, etc... and it just puts a smile on my face. I was reminiscing about the good ole times I spent with him, about 10 years ago... when it's all about Playstation, evening biking, roller blading etc. This is the one person whom I grew up protecting, guiding, scolding, quarrelling, laughing and crying with during my adolescent world. I sometimes really do miss the good ole times, just like what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know how to say this, but each time I come across anything to do with my Lil Bro, this same kinda feeling strikes. Eventhough he is an adult today, but my Lil Bro will always be my Little Brother, no more and no less. It's my duty to be there for him when he needs help. Afterall, I only have one, and only ONE, Dear Brother.